As I mentioned in a previous post, with a few exceptions (and M, obvs), my dating record leaves something to be desired. At the time I felt I was seeing unique individuals with sparkling, quirky personalities. As they say, hindsight is 20/20, and these “quirks,” more often than not, were actually just horrible personality traits, if not symptoms of psychopathy (sorry, Mom!).

via Gotham Books

via Gotham Books

Julie Klausner can relate. In her book, I Don’t Care About Your Band: What I Learned From Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve DatedJulie (I’ve decided we’re on a first name basis, since if we met in person, I’m pretty sure we’d be besties) recounts in extreme detail the various losers she’s dated. The book is more of a memoirs than an advice book – though she does dole out some important pieces of wisdom, too.

Julie is also super relatable. It was like reading my own thoughts when she busted out this gem:

He was wearing a vest, too, and a thumb ring, which is never OK…

YES. SPOT-FRACKING-ON. I loathe vests worn in a casual fashion… Unless you’re Patrick Jane from The Mentalist, in which case, keep on keepin’ on, Mr. Jane. But any other time signals a Super Douche, IMO. And thumb rings are bad all the time. No exceptions.

via CBS

You’re A-Okay in my book, Mr. Jane.  Image via CBS

One of my favorite stories she recounts is about a dude who wants to “share a dick” with her. Not have a threesome, but “share a dick.” What the hell? Apparently, Julie’s reaction was the same as mine:

… Like anybody’s cock is so big that you’d be like, ‘I can’t finish this! Let’s split it.’

I don’t want to give the whole book away, because, if interested, you really should read it. It’s not super-deep or anything, but a funny, easy read with the same “gotta kiss a bunch of frogs” message told in a much more exciting, and in my case, relatable, way.