A friend of mine recently posted this marital rating scale to Facebook and we all got a big kick out of it. I assumed it would be hilariously sexist (I was right) and decided to take it for funsies.

Wifey's test. Image via Huffington Post UK.

Wifey’s test. Image via Huffington Post UK.


First I  looked at the questions and laughed for a good 20 seconds. I like the idea of a demerit and merit system, it makes me feel like I should have badges and a sweet sash to sew them to. Let’s see what sort of badges one can get…

Firstly, we shall see if I do bad, demerit-y things:

1. Am I slow to coming to bed, delaying until husband is almost asleep? M is such a light sleeper it doesn’t matter what time I come in, but yes, I generally come in after him and scare the shit out of him.

2. Do I like children? Yes, I love children. Not enough to have some right this very second, but someday.

3. Do I fail to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly? If M comes to me asking to sew on a button, I’ll do while I’m doing something else, like watching TV. But darning socks? Bitch, this is 2014 and I can go to Target and get a bag of brand new socks for $3.

4. Do I wear soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house? When I’m chilling at home, I wear PJs – who dresses for being home alone? And when I’m baking, my aprons are generally forgotten until after the fact, but when I remember, I promptly throw them in the laundry basket afterwards. So my clothes are clean. I pass.

5. Do I wear red nail polish? Hell yes I do, because I’m a wanton harlot and that’s just how we trollops roll.

6. Am I often late to appointments? I pride myself on punctuality, so NO.

7. Are my seams in hose often crooked? I don’t wear hose because I’m not 95. But the creator of this test would probably consider a lack of hose super scandalous. Because, like I said, I’m a wanton harlot. Sorry, M.

8. Do I go to bed with curlers in my hair or too much face cream? No, because ouch and ew. BUT! There is some moisturizer that I use at night that M hates the smell of. I don’t give two toots – it makes my face feel nice.

9. Do I put my cold feet on my husband at night to warm them? This question startled me because I do exactly that. M hates it and lets out a (very manly) squeal when place my dainty and ice-cold feet upon him. I guess that makes for a bad wife, but whatever, he’s a furnace and I’m always cold.

10. Am I a back seat driver? No, because I hate it when other people do that and will stop the car and punch anyone who tries to tell me how to drive.

11. Do I flirt with other men at parties or at restaurants? No, because M is the cutest ever and that’s mean and weird. Plus I am terrible at flirting.

12. Am I suspicious and jealous? Yes, but only because M is a villainous ne’er-do-well who is always doing mysterious, shady things at night in dark alleys. But no, I’m not.

So! Not too bad with the demerit part I guess. Any points I accumulated will be dashed with the upcoming portion, though:

1. Am I a good hostess – even to unexpected guests? Yes, I like to make food for people and ply them with drinks in my home. I don’t really like it when people show up out of nowhere, but I won’t murder them or anything.

2. Do I have meals on time? Not really. Things sometimes take longer than expected. But it’s always within 30 minutes of what I planned!

3. Can I carry on an interesting conversation? I’m a conversational wizard. I’m a modern-day Socrates with my dialoguin’.

4. Can I play a musical instrument? Not even one. Why is this an important part of being a wife?

5. Do I dress for breakfast? Unless that breakfast is a brunch with mimosas at a public place, hell no. Breakfast at my house includes shuffling around the kitchen in slippers and PJs and running into things.

6. Am I a neat housekeeper? I keep things orderly. I don’t run a white-glove tight ship of a house or anything, but I can walk from one room to another without tripping over stuff or getting hepatitis or something.

7. Do I personally put children to bed? No, because I have no children. It’d be weird if I stole children just to personally put them to bed.

8. Do I never go to bed angry and always make up first? I don’t like going to bed angry, but I have in the past and probably will again at some point. And I’m not going to make up first if I’m right. Nuts to that.

9. Do I ask husband’s opinion regarding important decisions? Yes, don’t all spouses do that – husband and wife? I wouldn’t run out and buy a car without consulting him first.

10. Do I have a good sense of humor? Am I jolly and gay? Yes, yes, and yes. I’m the jolliest and the gayest.

11. Am I religious? Do I send the children to Sunday school and attend church myself? Three big fat NOs.

12. Do I let husband sleep late on Sundays and holidays? M wakes up at the crack of dawn everyday on his own. I am the one who likes to sleep in. And he lets me for fear of incurring my wrath.

I received a final score of 1. ONE. According to this test, that makes me a failure at marriage. No sweet sash with merit badges for me! M is stuck with this scandalous, lazy, non-God-fearing, tart of a wife. But I think he might be okay with it.